he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
