I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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