someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
