New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
