Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
