if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
