True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
