wanna go halves on a baby?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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