I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
