I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
