Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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