when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
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