I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
