Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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