For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
