if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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