just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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