I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
