Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
