So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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