I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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