after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
