saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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