I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
