u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize