I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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