I didn't shave. On purpose
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
