he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Bring me that man meat
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
