theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
