Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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