tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
