ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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