We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
