by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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