apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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