girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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