Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
