I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Me too!
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Randomize
