Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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