i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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