I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
