we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
