this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
