I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
