Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
