Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
