and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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