That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
