hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
