toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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