I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
