I am in a vortex of obligation.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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