I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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