I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
