Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
